Transformations

I remember the moment he was put on my chest. Shock, foreign. 

There was not that oneness that I would come to experience when my daughter was handed into my waiting arms. 

This was all new. I wasn’t ready, and all of a sudden here it was. The building of nine months, of an experience I would strain my mind to wrap around, and now I just couldn’t quite comprehend it. 

In the coming days and weeks my mind would go over the life plans I had as the “old me”, wondering how I would get any of it accomplished. I had to have it figured out soon. Because then I would have the old me back, the one who could figure stuff out. I would bend my mind trying to get a sleep schedule in place, to make sure he was able to play a little bit on his own etc. etc. 

My body was barely healed from growing and delivering a strong magnificent human, my nipples still tender from the shock and turbulence of learning to sustain life through my body.

Still my mind wondered and reached trying to grasp onto the new reality. 

Feeling so vulnerable and lonely, lonely because I was now bound to someone else and that in some way felt like an isolation. How would I connect and be able to keep up? 

And slowly it came. Slowly the love, so deep I could eat his face. So deep I could breathe in his scent and never stop. I knew how to leave the house with him and I began to know that he would be okay if the nap didn’t go as planned. This was me transforming into a motherhood.

Change is hard, transformation is non linear and messy. 

What eases transformation? 

I am so hesitant to even start listing things, knowing that every single life is so different. What if you don’t have a supportive partner? What if your birth was traumatic? What if breastfeeding/chestfeeding just isn't working, what if you are hating it? No one list is going to cover every person's experience. 

But here is a list anyway: 

Time—nothing will be figured out right away, in time you will find your way

Call a friend—identify who you can call in the middle of the night and call them

Ask for food—people want to know how to support you

Remember that there won’t really be a schedule at the beginning—the schedule is fluid: 

Feed, Sleep, Rock and Bounce, Skin to Skin, Diaper change, Feed, Sleep, Diaper Change, Rock and Hold, Feed. 

Give yourself treats—this is not a time to hold back

Close your eyes when you get a chance—even a couple moments of deep breaths with your shoulders relaxed will help

Let the tears flow—there are a million reasons to have tears and you don’t even need to know the reason. And if it feels overwhelming, seek help: Postpartum Support International

Ask for help—for those who give the help, it is a gift to be asked 

Sit on your front stoop when you get a chance—fresh air is healing

Community—online support group, in person support group, you don't need to have an “issue to solve” in order to show up, just being in the presence of those who share your time in life is healing.